The Woman in the Arena

 Two weeks ago, I hit a big goal for myself and finally benched 135 lbs. Being able to put a plate on the bar was something I had seen other people in my training crew do for so long, and I wanted to do that too, probably for an equal sense of belonging and pride. Going into the next week with confidence, I loaded the bar with the same plate, and it didn't move. Cue the negative self talk. But, this time, instead of hearing my own criticizing voice, I heard the familiar voices of the guys I train with each week: Rob, Mike, Tom, Austin, and Tim.  Rob, whenever I start to list all of the reasons I can't bench, squat, or deadlift a certain weight, you stop me mid-spiral to say, "of course you can," as if it's absurd to have anything but confidence in my abilities. Considering that I used to put my wrist wraps on backwards, your unwavering belief that I belong in the gym and alongside you in a workout is pretty remarkable. You hold up the mirror that allows me to see ...

My muscles have had a mind of their own these last couple weeks during my squat workout, so I went online to find some videos of exercises or stretches I could add to my routine, and a few things stood out to me during that search:  The language surrounding exercise and disability has shifted from “fixing” a muscle to “improving” a muscle, and that is a huge win. As a kid in Physical Therapy, I often felt like exercises were presented as a way to fix whatever muscle wasn’t working properly, and I get it, exercises are created in order to change muscles. But, when I look at the titles of these newer exercise programs, they use phrases like “improving hip mobility” and “maximizing function.” That change in language emphasizes exercise as a means of maintaining health versus fixing an impairment, which does so much for a person’s sense of bodily autonomy.  The increase in accessibility of exercises to empower people with disabilities is a welcome change from when I was younger, b...

Since activist Stella Young coined the term "inspiration porn" in 2014, there's been debate about what it is, why it is harmful, and who  experiences it. Generally, inspiration porn is the portrayal of people with disabilities as inspirational solely on the basis of their disability. It often comes in the form of quotes that read something like, "If they can do it, so can you!" or "What's your excuse?" as the person is doing some sort of physical activity. Recently, a man named Carson Tueller was a guest on one of my favorite podcasts, We Can Do Hard Things. Carson is a man who was paralyzed from the chest down following an accident involving a gymnastics tumble. He talked very openly about what inspiration porn meant to him, so I thought I would share my perspective on it as well.   First, I started this blog to share my experiences as a person with Cerebral Palsy who is also a powerlifter. I post videos, celebrate milestones, and vent about frust...

When I first started writing, I decided to call my blog The Woman in the Arena because I loved how Brene Brown, with some inspiration from Teddy Roosevelt, described an arena as this space that is created when we decide to challenge ourselves in a new way. But, here’s the thing. We are never alone when we decide to take on a new challenge, even in a sport like powerlifting that on the surface appears to involve the one person on the bench, in the squat rack, or in front of the deadlift bar. Recently, the way that my program is designed just has me feeling incredibly grateful for the people in my arena.   Last Friday, my bench workout for the night included three singles down to a board–one rep, three times. In this circumstance, as in most, that one rep requires at least four people in my corner: someone to help me rack the weight, someone to spot me, someone to hold the board, and at least one person yelling (read: encouraging) at me. It might take me just a few seconds to mo...

For me, mirrors are often unwelcome spotlights; they highlight the awkward angles and rigid movements of my muscles, acting as a painful reminder that I cannot outwork Cerebral Palsy. Most days I can make peace that, and other days it knocks the wind out of me. I was recently listening to a podcast with author James Clear about his newest book Atomic Habits. One of the prominent ideas in this book is that we should strive to build habits out of the qualities we want to develop rather than the things we want to achieve. Overtime, these habits will only grow stronger because they are based upon values instead of results. After listening to this podcast, I started to think about the qualities of a strong person, and thinking about these qualities has slowly helped me to construct an image of strength that has nothing to do with physicality. I think that overtime, this image will be what I see in the mirror instead of a collection of qualities outside of my control. That being said, here ...

I had to laugh when I looked up and saw this quote on the wall at F3 last week. I have a version of this tattooed on my arm (tabula rasa; "blank slate" in Latin) and the reminder still seems to find me wherever I go when I need it the most-- Don't like the story? Change the narrative.  Then I came across this Brene Brown quote about how our strengths and things we want to change are on the same continuum. We can use our strengths to help reframe things about ourselves that we want to improve. Starting a new chapter does not mean erasing or distorting the stories we've already been writing, it means building upon what we have learned in order to write a stronger, braver, or more honest narrative in the future.  When I think about my story as a powerlifter, here are some things I am actively working on changing and the [strengths] that I think are born out of them.   1. I overthink things, repeat every cue, and try to change too many things at once in order to get som...

“You’ve got the wrong picture of yourself, Elsa. No matter how far you’ve come, you bring that mirror with you. Break it…remember, I’m a mirror too.”  This fictional conversation in Kristin Hannah’s “The Four Winds” has stuck with me for the past 6 months since I first read it. I’ve found myself re-visiting it recently, so I thought I would write about why I find it so uplifting and so difficult at the same time.  Last week, my squats were a lot tougher than usual. I had accidentally packed the wrong shoes (too squishy), my legs were tired from a same-day bench workout, and I find it very hard to watch myself on video when it comes to how my legs and hips move. As much as I know that watching myself is helpful for correcting my form, sometimes it makes me want to jump out of my skin. This passage reminds me that when I start to feel that way, I am looking at myself through a mirror that is broken–one where my muscle weakness gets warped into a character flaw, even though my lo...

"Most over-estimate what they can do in a year and under-estimate what they can do in fifteen...you'll be astounded with where you'll be one day."   Since I started this blog a year ago, I thought I'd write a post about time, progress, and how my relationship with those concepts have changed given some pretty cool improvements in how I move during my workouts.  For the last few weeks, I have been using one foot plate instead of two in order to anchor my feet to the ground while I bench; the result is that I'm able to use my legs to power my bench instead of fighting against them while my arms carry the load. During tonight's accessories, my ankles remained upright during a plank instead of collapsing to one side and putting unnecessary pressure on my upper body. For the first time in a year and a half, it felt like my ankles were on my side instead of players on an opposing team.  Another thing that has happened in the past few weeks is the resurgence o...

I’ve been wanting to write about body image and powerlifting for a while, but I’ve been struggling to find the right words. I want to be honest without being self-deprecating and acknowledge that every person who struggles with body image has an experience all his or her own, this is simply part of mine.  This past Sunday was probably my hardest day at the gym since the early days of training over a year ago. My deep-seated and persistent negative thoughts about my weight and body image had been piling up, as they often do until I reign them in again. For the first time in a while, the gym was contributing to those negative thoughts; nearly every time I went to squat, my hips would rotate or my right knee would cave in and cause me to think about how I was getting bigger without getting stronger, and that really messed with my head. The thing is, I had no proof of this thought I was convinced was true. I just sat and looked at myself in the mirror between sets-- analyzing every per...

"“You belong in every place.” -Maya Angelou   Before starting this blog, I shared a Facebook post that I thought was fitting to revisit as I reflect on the powerlifting meet from this weekend. In this post, I described how my Cerebral Palsy sometimes makes me feel as though I’m stuck in limbo. Growing up, I was strong enough to make it through a workout, but not coordinated enough to make a basket or score a goal. Because I was never part of a team sport, I didn’t experience the exhaustion that comes from tough practices or the pride that comes with seeing results. The toughest thing though, was my struggle to find a sense of belonging because I felt like I straddled this invisible line between able-bodied and handicapped, and that line felt like an island with a population of one.   In the weeks leading up to the meet, I had anxiety about nearly every aspect of the event. The night before though, I thought about something pretty simple --if my brother-in-law is comi...

 1. Put away the laundry   (Do not fall) 2. Call mom (Do not fall) 3. Clean the kitchen (Do not fall) A lot of people say music is universal, but I think "to-do" lists are really the common thread that brings us all together. This past weekend, I had a list like the one above sitting on my kitchen table, except I didn't need to write down "do not fall" because that is, without fail, the number one priority on my internal "to-do" list. It is the reason why when I walk into a place I've never been before, I immediately look for the closest piece of furniture I can casually lean against, even if it means initially standing a little further away from the group of friends I came to meet. It is the reason why walking around downtown, I frequently look down at the sidewalk for any bumps or inclines that might throw me off balance, even if it means missing out on a small part of the conversation happening around me. It is the reason why, when I feel the sl...

Try again. Don't give up. Just keep going. There are a million ways to say "you've got this," and this is my effort to add to that list in the least cliche way possible. The name of my gym is F3 Fitness--Form Follows Function, but recently the pattern of my lifts has been a different F3-- Failure, Failure Fire. (read: I am "failing" or "learning" 2/3 of the time). That is exactly what happened tonight. My bench has been up and down for a while now, and I used my last blog post as a personal vent session about what I thought was a lack of progress. Thankfully, as he always does, my trainer Clay Brandenburg knew exactly what to say when sending me this week's workouts: "Let's try this one more time," three singles at 120 lbs, something I haven't been able to achieve for the last 2 weeks. This week, it took me 5 tries, but I did get 3 singles, I just failed 2 times in the process. Afterwards, I snapped a pic of my favorite part o...

 A few years ago, I read a book called “Grit” by Angela Duckworth, and the chapters were a little too repetitive for me. This past week, I got to revisit the book’s ideas when the author was a guest on one of my favorite podcasts, Dare to Lead. Duckworth defined “grit” as passion + perseverance. I loved this definition for two reasons—it negates the idea that being gritty means sticking with something to prove a point (even if we hate it) and reinforces the idea that in order to call ourselves “gritty,”  we need to be in it for the long haul, whatever that “it” is for each of us.  Earlier this week, I was unable to bench 125, a weight that was 5 pounds more than what I benched 3 months ago, and I was ready; my feet were planted, back arched, and wrists straight...it barely moved. When I tried again, it barely moved. Afterwards, I was ticked. Three months and I couldn’t add 5 lbs? Then I thought of Angela, and told myself to get grittier. I decided to focus on the fact tha...

 I used to save a quote on my phone that said "Don't stop until you're proud." When I first read it, I saw it as motivation to keep working towards goals I set for myself both in the gym and at work. Recently though, what I used to think of as motivation has become this overwhelming pressure to keep moving toward a bigger goal, so that when I say I'm proud of something, it feels like I earned it. The result of this thought process is that I am constantly comparing where I am to where I "should be," and completely forgetting to celebrate the accomplishments that are all part of a larger goal. Luckily, I have nights like tonight at the gym when, because of the infectious energy of the people around me, I can put down the weight of my goals in exchange for some weight on the bar, and that has me feeling strong, grateful, and proud. Here are a couple of videos from a few weeks back:                          ...

Last night was my first experience with deadlifting, the third part of powerlifting. It made me think about how many times someone has asked how long I've been doing these workouts, and I immediately respond by saying, "I bench, but not like these guys (and girls!) do," or "I'm starting to squat, but only with the safety bar," as if I cannot acknowledge something positive in myself without a bit of self- deprecation. The thing is, when that bit of self-deprecation goes un-checked, it really does a number on my self-esteem. That being said, my focus for the past couple of weeks has been changing that inner dialogue, and that has made me feel pretty damn strong:  "A deadlift sitting down... is still a deadlift."  "I fell forward with the safety bar this week...because I added 20 pounds on my back"  "That bar moved pretty slowly...it still moved" "I am a powerlifter." The way you speak to yourself matters. 115 for 3 reps ...

  This week, I am moving from belt squats to squats with chains (5x3 with 40 lbs) to prep for eventual work with the safety bar Goals for next time: Stop the "Hunchback of Notre Dame" vibe I have going at the end of each rep, stay tight, and warm up with my feet halfway off of small floor plates to keep my heels from popping up, particularly on the left side Week 3 of the 4x8 with 90 lbs: Continuing to focus on maintaining an arch and pressing my feet to the floor, which is trickier on the left side because of my constant ankle inversion. Finding the right spot to plant my feet on the plates has been key. If I start to slide, I squeeze the bench. Goal for next time: Solid form from start. 

   “The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena...who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.” Theodore Roosevelt, “The Man in the Arena” Although it was Teddy Roosevelt who spoke these words in 1910, it was author and researcher Brené Brown who introduced me to the concept of the arena, or the space created when people are faced with new challenges. Over the past year, the gym has become one of my arenas. Each week that I bench or squat, I bring my Cerebral Palsy along with me, sometimes as a partner and sometimes as an opponent. I am starting this blog to share very honestly what happens in my arena--imperfect form, occasional impostor syndrome, falling down (sometimes literally), and trying again. I hope that in the process of sharing, people take away something that helps them navigate through their own arenas.