The Woman in the Arena

For me, mirrors are often unwelcome spotlights; they highlight the awkward angles and rigid movements of my muscles, acting as a painful reminder that I cannot outwork Cerebral Palsy. Most days I can make peace that, and other days it knocks the wind out of me. I was recently listening to a podcast with author James Clear about his newest book Atomic Habits. One of the prominent ideas in this book is that we should strive to build habits out of the qualities we want to develop rather than the things we want to achieve. Overtime, these habits will only grow stronger because they are based upon values instead of results. After listening to this podcast, I started to think about the qualities of a strong person, and thinking about these qualities has slowly helped me to construct an image of strength that has nothing to do with physicality. I think that overtime, this image will be what I see in the mirror instead of a collection of qualities outside of my control. That being said, here ...

I had to laugh when I looked up and saw this quote on the wall at F3 last week. I have a version of this tattooed on my arm (tabula rasa; "blank slate" in Latin) and the reminder still seems to find me wherever I go when I need it the most-- Don't like the story? Change the narrative.  Then I came across this Brene Brown quote about how our strengths and things we want to change are on the same continuum. We can use our strengths to help reframe things about ourselves that we want to improve. Starting a new chapter does not mean erasing or distorting the stories we've already been writing, it means building upon what we have learned in order to write a stronger, braver, or more honest narrative in the future.  When I think about my story as a powerlifter, here are some things I am actively working on changing and the [strengths] that I think are born out of them.   1. I overthink things, repeat every cue, and try to change too many things at once in order to get som...

“You’ve got the wrong picture of yourself, Elsa. No matter how far you’ve come, you bring that mirror with you. Break it…remember, I’m a mirror too.”  This fictional conversation in Kristin Hannah’s “The Four Winds” has stuck with me for the past 6 months since I first read it. I’ve found myself re-visiting it recently, so I thought I would write about why I find it so uplifting and so difficult at the same time.  Last week, my squats were a lot tougher than usual. I had accidentally packed the wrong shoes (too squishy), my legs were tired from a same-day bench workout, and I find it very hard to watch myself on video when it comes to how my legs and hips move. As much as I know that watching myself is helpful for correcting my form, sometimes it makes me want to jump out of my skin. This passage reminds me that when I start to feel that way, I am looking at myself through a mirror that is broken–one where my muscle weakness gets warped into a character flaw, even though my lo...

"Most over-estimate what they can do in a year and under-estimate what they can do in fifteen...you'll be astounded with where you'll be one day."   Since I started this blog a year ago, I thought I'd write a post about time, progress, and how my relationship with those concepts have changed given some pretty cool improvements in how I move during my workouts.  For the last few weeks, I have been using one foot plate instead of two in order to anchor my feet to the ground while I bench; the result is that I'm able to use my legs to power my bench instead of fighting against them while my arms carry the load. During tonight's accessories, my ankles remained upright during a plank instead of collapsing to one side and putting unnecessary pressure on my upper body. For the first time in a year and a half, it felt like my ankles were on my side instead of players on an opposing team.  Another thing that has happened in the past few weeks is the resurgence o...

I’ve been wanting to write about body image and powerlifting for a while, but I’ve been struggling to find the right words. I want to be honest without being self-deprecating and acknowledge that every person who struggles with body image has an experience all his or her own, this is simply part of mine.  This past Sunday was probably my hardest day at the gym since the early days of training over a year ago. My deep-seated and persistent negative thoughts about my weight and body image had been piling up, as they often do until I reign them in again. For the first time in a while, the gym was contributing to those negative thoughts; nearly every time I went to squat, my hips would rotate or my right knee would cave in and cause me to think about how I was getting bigger without getting stronger, and that really messed with my head. The thing is, I had no proof of this thought I was convinced was true. I just sat and looked at myself in the mirror between sets-- analyzing every per...

"“You belong in every place.” -Maya Angelou   Before starting this blog, I shared a Facebook post that I thought was fitting to revisit as I reflect on the powerlifting meet from this weekend. In this post, I described how my Cerebral Palsy sometimes makes me feel as though I’m stuck in limbo. Growing up, I was strong enough to make it through a workout, but not coordinated enough to make a basket or score a goal. Because I was never part of a team sport, I didn’t experience the exhaustion that comes from tough practices or the pride that comes with seeing results. The toughest thing though, was my struggle to find a sense of belonging because I felt like I straddled this invisible line between able-bodied and handicapped, and that line felt like an island with a population of one.   In the weeks leading up to the meet, I had anxiety about nearly every aspect of the event. The night before though, I thought about something pretty simple --if my brother-in-law is comi...

 1. Put away the laundry   (Do not fall) 2. Call mom (Do not fall) 3. Clean the kitchen (Do not fall) A lot of people say music is universal, but I think "to-do" lists are really the common thread that brings us all together. This past weekend, I had a list like the one above sitting on my kitchen table, except I didn't need to write down "do not fall" because that is, without fail, the number one priority on my internal "to-do" list. It is the reason why when I walk into a place I've never been before, I immediately look for the closest piece of furniture I can casually lean against, even if it means initially standing a little further away from the group of friends I came to meet. It is the reason why walking around downtown, I frequently look down at the sidewalk for any bumps or inclines that might throw me off balance, even if it means missing out on a small part of the conversation happening around me. It is the reason why, when I feel the sl...