The Woman in the Arena

"Most over-estimate what they can do in a year and under-estimate what they can do in fifteen...you'll be astounded with where you'll be one day."   Since I started this blog a year ago, I thought I'd write a post about time, progress, and how my relationship with those concepts have changed given some pretty cool improvements in how I move during my workouts.  For the last few weeks, I have been using one foot plate instead of two in order to anchor my feet to the ground while I bench; the result is that I'm able to use my legs to power my bench instead of fighting against them while my arms carry the load. During tonight's accessories, my ankles remained upright during a plank instead of collapsing to one side and putting unnecessary pressure on my upper body. For the first time in a year and a half, it felt like my ankles were on my side instead of players on an opposing team.  Another thing that has happened in the past few weeks is the resurgence o...

I’ve been wanting to write about body image and powerlifting for a while, but I’ve been struggling to find the right words. I want to be honest without being self-deprecating and acknowledge that every person who struggles with body image has an experience all his or her own, this is simply part of mine.  This past Sunday was probably my hardest day at the gym since the early days of training over a year ago. My deep-seated and persistent negative thoughts about my weight and body image had been piling up, as they often do until I reign them in again. For the first time in a while, the gym was contributing to those negative thoughts; nearly every time I went to squat, my hips would rotate or my right knee would cave in and cause me to think about how I was getting bigger without getting stronger, and that really messed with my head. The thing is, I had no proof of this thought I was convinced was true. I just sat and looked at myself in the mirror between sets-- analyzing every per...

"“You belong in every place.” -Maya Angelou   Before starting this blog, I shared a Facebook post that I thought was fitting to revisit as I reflect on the powerlifting meet from this weekend. In this post, I described how my Cerebral Palsy sometimes makes me feel as though I’m stuck in limbo. Growing up, I was strong enough to make it through a workout, but not coordinated enough to make a basket or score a goal. Because I was never part of a team sport, I didn’t experience the exhaustion that comes from tough practices or the pride that comes with seeing results. The toughest thing though, was my struggle to find a sense of belonging because I felt like I straddled this invisible line between able-bodied and handicapped, and that line felt like an island with a population of one.   In the weeks leading up to the meet, I had anxiety about nearly every aspect of the event. The night before though, I thought about something pretty simple --if my brother-in-law is comi...

 1. Put away the laundry   (Do not fall) 2. Call mom (Do not fall) 3. Clean the kitchen (Do not fall) A lot of people say music is universal, but I think "to-do" lists are really the common thread that brings us all together. This past weekend, I had a list like the one above sitting on my kitchen table, except I didn't need to write down "do not fall" because that is, without fail, the number one priority on my internal "to-do" list. It is the reason why when I walk into a place I've never been before, I immediately look for the closest piece of furniture I can casually lean against, even if it means initially standing a little further away from the group of friends I came to meet. It is the reason why walking around downtown, I frequently look down at the sidewalk for any bumps or inclines that might throw me off balance, even if it means missing out on a small part of the conversation happening around me. It is the reason why, when I feel the sl...

Try again. Don't give up. Just keep going. There are a million ways to say "you've got this," and this is my effort to add to that list in the least cliche way possible. The name of my gym is F3 Fitness--Form Follows Function, but recently the pattern of my lifts has been a different F3-- Failure, Failure Fire. (read: I am "failing" or "learning" 2/3 of the time). That is exactly what happened tonight. My bench has been up and down for a while now, and I used my last blog post as a personal vent session about what I thought was a lack of progress. Thankfully, as he always does, my trainer Clay Brandenburg knew exactly what to say when sending me this week's workouts: "Let's try this one more time," three singles at 120 lbs, something I haven't been able to achieve for the last 2 weeks. This week, it took me 5 tries, but I did get 3 singles, I just failed 2 times in the process. Afterwards, I snapped a pic of my favorite part o...

 A few years ago, I read a book called “Grit” by Angela Duckworth, and the chapters were a little too repetitive for me. This past week, I got to revisit the book’s ideas when the author was a guest on one of my favorite podcasts, Dare to Lead. Duckworth defined “grit” as passion + perseverance. I loved this definition for two reasons—it negates the idea that being gritty means sticking with something to prove a point (even if we hate it) and reinforces the idea that in order to call ourselves “gritty,”  we need to be in it for the long haul, whatever that “it” is for each of us.  Earlier this week, I was unable to bench 125, a weight that was 5 pounds more than what I benched 3 months ago, and I was ready; my feet were planted, back arched, and wrists straight...it barely moved. When I tried again, it barely moved. Afterwards, I was ticked. Three months and I couldn’t add 5 lbs? Then I thought of Angela, and told myself to get grittier. I decided to focus on the fact tha...

 I used to save a quote on my phone that said "Don't stop until you're proud." When I first read it, I saw it as motivation to keep working towards goals I set for myself both in the gym and at work. Recently though, what I used to think of as motivation has become this overwhelming pressure to keep moving toward a bigger goal, so that when I say I'm proud of something, it feels like I earned it. The result of this thought process is that I am constantly comparing where I am to where I "should be," and completely forgetting to celebrate the accomplishments that are all part of a larger goal. Luckily, I have nights like tonight at the gym when, because of the infectious energy of the people around me, I can put down the weight of my goals in exchange for some weight on the bar, and that has me feeling strong, grateful, and proud. Here are a couple of videos from a few weeks back:                          ...